I'm Not a Medium

When I was growing up, I was the fat kid. I wasn't the fattest kid around, but I was up there. I was the fat kid from Stand By Me, fat.  When I got to high school, I was still fat. I never "grew into" my body. College and beyond... still fat.

 I  have a dark blue Polo shirt I bought in 1991. Its got a lot of holes and only gets worn for crawfish boils. It fits great. If not for all the holes and frayed edges, I would wear it all the time. It's an XXL. In 1991, when I weighed 200 lbs, I was required to get an XXL to fit me. I was a fat guy who occasionally had to shop in the big and tall section (and at 5'10, I'm not tall). I remember in the mid 90s I was able to go back to XL sizes. I knew that it wasn't because I was losing weight, the sizes were changing.

Last week, I was at Academy. I saw an Columbia PFG brand LSU short sleeve polo shirt (the fact that LSU merchandise is sold in Bama country must really piss the rednecks off... but that's another post.) I picked up the purple family-sized tent that was the XL and decided to pass. So I took the L into the dressing room. It was like I was a kid wearing my dad's clothing. So, my wife told me to try the M. I protested that I hadn't worn an adult M since I was a sophomore in high school. After being married for a couple of years now, I realize that it's easier to just go along with what she says than argue.... so I tried it on.

I was shocked, amazed and deeply angered. It was like getting free beer and realizing someone gave you a Coors Light. The damned shirt fit. I don't mean that it got over my body, it fit well. So I bought it. I'm still mad... at America.

You fat sons-of-bitches. Stop eating. Stop going to Golden Corral and waddling out. Take away the motorized buggies at the stores. Make every parking spot at least 1/2 mile from the front door of a business. Lets do whatever it takes to make sure that a person who weighs 210 lbs is not considered "medium."

I'm going for a jog. Be good.

More Salt, Please

Made some chili yesterday. This of course means that I need crackers. To be more specific, I needed some Saltines. At the grocery, there were Original, Reduced Salt (why get Saltines and not want all the salt?), Multi Grain and Fat Free.

You know what's missing? Extra Salt Saltines. That's right, I want more salt. I'm healthy. My blood pressure is low. I want more salt baked into my Saltines. But I'm not even given the option. This is crap.

Everyday, we're bombarded with 50% less fat products, extra lean ground beef, and turkey bacon. I think it's part of the weakening of America. You know when America was the strongest? When we ate bacon everyday for breakfast and men died at the age of 60 from heart attacks. We knew that life was short and we had to kick some butt before it was all over.

Now we have fat free Half 'N Half. How the hell do you have fat free cream? That's not even possible. Lets get back to unhealthy foods and some self discipline.  And give me more salt.

Bacon Makes Everything Better

It's true.

You're getting hungry just looking at it.

I think that might be the whole problem with the Middle East. Neither side eats bacon.

 If the two sides could get together and have a major shift in their ideologies that allowed them to eat pork, everybody could get along. They could get together for bacon & eggs every morning and discuss the whole West Bank withdrawal issue. I think it would work.

Chocolate Milk and Lingerie Football

I love milk. Whole milk, 2%, skim... it doesn't matter. When I was in high school, I drank 5 gallons a week by myself. I've had to slow down as I've gotten older (for calories sake) but I still drink it regularly. 

One thing I could never stand was chocolate milk. Don't know why. I think it's just an abomination of something that is so good and pure that it needs no enhancer. It's like taking Jaeger and putting anything else in it to make a "bomb" of some sort. (That's a whole other subject about the pacification of America).  I love milk. I love chocolate. There's just no need for them to be combined.

That brings me to this...chocolate milk is like lingerie football. Football is great at all levels. There's no need for a gimmick (see XFL). Just go out there and have people smash into each other. It's great to play, watch in person or on the TV. But someone got greedy and said, "Hey, lets really throw a wrench into football to bring it down a notch." A sexy notch but still in the downward direction.

I like to see hot, athletic women wear lingerie. I just don't want to see them play football. Keep football and milk pure America. Leave this gimmicky stuff for third world nations.

That is all. Move along people. Nothing to see here.

Big Head, Little Body

Saw a dog yesterday that had the head of a German Shepherd and a little weiner-dog type body. It reminded me of Wayne Arnold, the older brother on The Wonder Years.

Damned SmartPhones

Just got home from the gym (which doesn't happen too often) and was excited about checking my email. Then I remembered that I have a Blackberry and already receive emails away from home. What's the point of coming home? I like my dogs and occassionally get to see my wife there... but really?

I'm old enough to remember life without cell phones. It was beautiful. You could go out and not worry about people bothering you. Sure it was inconvenient for when you wanted to make a call. But that was the beauty of it, you don't need to make most of the calls you do, you just want to. Fifteen years ago, you just didn't make the call.  It's difficult to explain to people who don't know life without cell phones, but coming home to see that red light blinking on your answering machine was exciting. Who called? I don't know (because there' s no caller ID yet). Let's push play and find out. It was like a season-ending cliff hanger episode every time you came home. Bad news? Maybe. Good news? Awesome. Hot chick that you left a message on her machine earlier in the day? Really Awesome!

Then the cell phone came along and took that little joy in life away. Sure, you could just not carry a cell phone and keep nothing but a land line. Yeah right. Might as well move to central Pennsylvania and live with the Amish. 

Now the smartphone has taken away email. I'll over it. And I still have my couch at the house to look forward to.

That's all. Move along people. Nothing to see here.

REO Speedwagon will never be the same

I like to "Weird" Al songs as much as possible. So since college, I have believed in one golden rule of listening to the radio. Whenever the word "love" is used in a song I replace it with "hump."  It can be any version of love.. lovin'. loved, loves, etc.

For instance, as the subject line of this entry suggests, REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Lovin' You" is now 
"Keep on Humpin' You."  And not just in the title. " I don't wanna sleep, I just wanna keep on humpin' you."
Its really that easy and childish. But extremely fun.

Now just take that magic formula and apply it to timeless classics ( and complete garbage) such as:
Whitney Houston (and Dolly Parton) " I Will Always Hump You"
Righteous Brothers, " You've Lost That Humping Feeling"
Percy Sledge, "When a Man Humps a Woman"

One rule: This switching of the words only works when love is used as a verb. If it is used as a noun (ex. Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin' Love") it doesn't work. So not only is this game fun, but also educational.

And be consistent. If you're gonna sing it, sing it so much that other's can no longer enjoy the song without hearing your version.

What's Up With All The Vampires?

When I was a young teenager, most of the movies I enjoyed seeing starred adults. Anything that had the Governator or Stallone blowing things up was a must for me to see. Occasionally, an action/drama film would come out that starred teenagers and was targeted at teenagers. Sure there were plenty of John Hughes' films to hit the market. And most were funny and enjoyable. But I'm talking about Red Dawn and one of my all time favorites, The Lost Boys.

There were a few other main stream vampire movies at the time, but nothing like an action flick starring the Coreys. That movie was great. There was a love interest between Jami Gertz and Jason Patric. The slapstick was provided by the Corey Feldman and Jamison Newlander (had to look that one up on imdb.com) as the Frog brothers. Plus a great cameo by Barnard Hughes as the grandfather. "One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach, all the damn vampires." The movie had everything a kid wanted to see.

And then, vampires faded away. Sure there was Buffy and Angel, but nothing like this crap now. Being an adult and having to see the all the little girls and effeminate boys go crazy over Harry Potter was bad enough. These vampires are 10x worse.  TV is covered with them. Movies come out every couple of months with more vampires. It's ridiculous.

And the worst part is that the vampires are the good guys. Let's actually think about this. They sleep all day and then go out at night to assault (sometimes in a sexual manner) young women. Instead of calling the cops and a press conference, the women fall in love with these guys.  Since they're nocturnal, apparently this causes them to be party animals. They go out in packs and reek havoc for fun. If this is the modern hero, why was Ben Rothlisberger so vilified? Maybe if he would have put in a pair of fake fangs, the Steelers would have 4 million young girls as fans.

Anyway, I say let's get rid of the sexy vampires and get back to the business of blowing up Russians and terrorists and cop shows with a Ferrari.

A Whole Lot of Nothing

Welcome to my useless time killer.

For those of you that know me, this is just a continuation of my incessant ramblings about nothing. For those that don't, hang on to your hats and get ready for the roller coaster ride. Actually, it's more like the teacup ride at Disney. Fun if you put a lot of energy into it, but not accommodating for fat people.

When I was younger, my friends and I would often have heated arguments about different subject matters that we believed were vital to the world. Now, I don't care anymore. I've been beaten down by sensationalism in the media and 24 hr sports coverage. Nothing actually matters. I do still get very worked up about the Saints and some other things. But I didn't start writing this blog to rant. I have too much stupid crap floating around in my head, so I decided to write it down. Because my wife is going to kill me if I keep using all of my material on her.

So I hope that you enjoy or hate my thoughts. But most importantly, I hope you waste time at work while reading this. Either way, drop me a line and I might even reply. Suck it!